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June 1, 2020 at 3:50 am

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June 1, 2020 at 3:52 am

You really don’t want this. If others can’t convince you maybe I can. Growing up I was a very sensitive kid and cried at the smallest thing, maybe just someone looking at me funny, this went on for a and only one girl ever talked to me or was nice to me. Long story short, I moved away, got my heart broken and felt like shit. I didn’t have any friends, and had troubles at home. I thought about suicide often (though I don’t think I’d have actually tried anything) and I wished I could just stop feeling, and over the course of about a year, I did. I don’t cry any more, I don’t feel empathy for others.

June 1, 2020 at 3:53 am

I’m not evil or something, I get angry when I hear about child abuse or murders, but I don’t feel sympathy. Just today my girlfriend was a mess in tears because her parents are divorcing. I comforted her and tired to make her feel better, but I didn’t feel any connection, in fact at times I just wished she’d stop because her sobbing was annoying.

June 1, 2020 at 3:53 am

Today I realized, I don’t love her and I never really have. I care about her safety and don’t want to hurt her, but I have no connection to her and I never have. Listen from someone who doesn’t feel, what ever you’re going through, it must suck, I could relate, but you don’t want this. I constantly wonder, whats wrong with me? Am I a sociopath? I wasn’t born like this, it was the opposite. I miss the feeling of love, the feeling of sadness. Don’t try to lose it, you’ll quickly regret it.

June 1, 2020 at 3:55 am

I’m not sure how to do this willingly, but I started down this path somewhat unintentionally at a young age.

I have a terrible memory, so I don’t know how old I was when I first noticed it. I’m going to guess around 10. My father was always an impatient man, and what I remember most about him throughout my childhood was how often he would yell at me or my sisters. He never physically hurt us, but he was quick to anger whenever we made a mistake. Spills, squabbles, white lies–he came down with an iron fist on any behaviors he wished to eliminate.

June 1, 2020 at 3:56 am

He made me feel horrible whenever I messed up. Even as a child, I often wondered why he’d decided to have kids in the first place. He seemed upset with us far more often than pleased or loving. Aside from instilling in me a near crippling fear of failure, he also unintentionally taught me how to distance myself from my feelings.
I still remember the day I learned how to go numb. I was standing in front of him in the den of our house. He was angry and lecturing me about something–I don’t even recall what. All I remember is sort of blanking out whatever he was saying, and realizing, all of the sudden, I don’t have to let him make me feel bad. I didn’t have to let him make me feel anything. In that moment I felt a cold presence rise up in my chest, like a shield guarding my heart. I didn’t care anymore. I let him rant on about whatever I’d done wrong, without any interest or concern about it. I replied with whatever he wanted to hear, just so he’d hurry up and leave me alone. But I didn’t feel remorse for my actions, because I hardly felt at all.